THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE

AGE

DRINK

AGE

DRINK

17

beer

17

Wine Coolers

25

beer

25

White wine

35

vodka

35

Red wine

48

double vodka

48

Dom Perignon

66

Maalox

66

Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

AGE

SEDUCTION LINE

AGE

EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES

17

My parents are away for the weekend

17

Need to wash my hair

25

My girlfriend is away for the weekend

25

Need to wash and condition my hair

35

My fiancee is away for the weekend

35

Need to color my hair

48

My wife is away for the weekend

48

Need to have Francois color my hair

66

My second wife is dead

66

Need to have Francois color my wig

AGE

FAVORITE SPORT

AGE

FAVORITE SPORT

17

sex

17

shopping

25

sex

25

shopping

35

sex

35

shopping

48

sex

48

shopping

66

napping

66

shopping

AGE

DRUG

AGE

DRUG

17

pot

17

shopping

25

coke

25

shopping

35

really good coke

35

shopping

48

power

48

shopping

66

coke, a limousine, the company jet

66

shopping

AGE

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

AGE

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

17

"tongue"

17

"Burger King"

25

"breakfast"

25

"Free meal"

35

"She didn't set back my therapy."

35

"A diamond"

48

"I didn't have to meet her kids."

48

"A bigger diamond"

66

"Got home alive."

66

"Home Alone"

AGE

FAVORITE FANTASY

AGE

FAVORITE FANTASY

17

getting to third

17

tall, dark and handsome

25

airplane sex

25

tall, dark and handsome with money

35

menage a trois

35

tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain

48

taking the company public

48

a man with hair

66

Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

66

a man

AGE

HOUSE PET

AGE

HOUSE PET

17

roaches

17

Muffy the cat

25

stoned-out college roommate

25

Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat

35

Irish setter

35

Irish setter and Muffy the Cat

48

children from his first marriage

48

Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat

66

Barbi

66

Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the Cat

AGE

WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?

AGE

WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?

17

25

17

17

25

35

25

25

35

48

35

35

48

66

48

48

66

17

66

66

AGE

IDEAL DATE

AGE

IDEAL DATE

17

Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in

17

He offers to pay

25

"Split the check before we go back to my place"

25

He pays

35

"Just come over."

35

He cooks breakfast the next morning

48

"Just come over and cook."

48

He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids

66

sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas

66

He can chew breakfast